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Well actually that's not me I HATE you for lying & I HATE the things you've done to me!!! But I can't bring myself to hate you, no matter what I'm being told by everyone around me I will not hate you for something you can't control! I will instead hate myself because it's the only thing I know how to do well, & in times of crisis it's best to stick with what you know. Instead of facing up to you & hitting out I shall draw further into a shell I am now creating for myself. I gave you everything you asked for and more. I left behind promises of money & material goods to be with you because you loved me & you cared more about me than I thought was possible & that's all I've ever wanted in life, to be with someone who gave a damn about the world & wasn't self absorbed. I held you in high respect and all you've done is drop me from that height, so hard that I feel the world caving in around me. You say you don't hate me & that none of this is my fault, but why am I being punished like this, why is it me who's hurting so much if I've done nothing wrong? I've become unrecognisable to my friends & my music is no longer a comfort. You say you haven’t changed and that I've just discovered the you 'underneath the smiles'...well I know the you underneath the smiles & as cowardice as he may be he would never hide from me like you are now. I've seen you on the verge of tears & I've seen you smile, genuinely smile, when you've been happy. You're the sweetest person I know. You're the most beautiful person inside & out, yet you taint yourself with lies & deceit towards me. You may say you only told that one lie but it was the most important thing to me. You broke my faith, not just in you, but in love itself. You've told several different stories, you say you don't love me anymore, fair enough; I don't blame you for that. You also said you couldn’t hold onto me and then that you just didn't want to be tied down, so which is it? What is it you're saying to me? Why is my head constantly spinning, changing my world into a never ending blur of tears and colours? You're still my friend, I value that, but it won't stop the hurting or my regret of how we started. If I'd left well alone, like we intended, would we be together now? If we'd waited as we planned to would you be holding me tonight? Would I be telling my friends this week that I was extremely happy instead of crying as soon as they ask how I am? Can you answer any of these questions? Can you explain to me how this happened and how I hurt you so much that I ended up like this? I no longer have a heart; I don't want to feel EVER again, I NEVER want to love anything or anybody if all I get in return is a pain worse than dying! I don't think it matters how many conversations I have with all of these different people the fact is I hurt. Every inch of my body aches in one way or another. Mostly I feel empty and betrayed, but there are fleeting moments when all I feel is hatred filling up the emptiness. Both are unbearable! How could this ever happen? I want to destroy everything he treasures to give him some insight into how this feels but out of sheer human decency I don't. Instead I find myself destroying something else....me! My head spins so fast I fear I'll lose it, I'm already losing sight of myself and what it is I'm supposed to do. Why am I still here? Why am I still alive when everything inside me is dead? I trust no one! I value nothing! Everything is worthless to me now. I can’t go on like this. Someone take me out of here, please? Surrounded by conspiracies and lies. “The ones I loath are the ones that know me the best”, the only people who listen to me, talk to me, are those I don’t know. Why do this to me? Why do you attack me like this then act like nothing’s happened? Why do you all take me for a fool? Kill me! Kill this body; the inside is long gone, crushed by love and good feelings. When everything you truly loved has gone what do you have left? What is THE POINT of all this? Why was heartache created and what twisted person thought it up? Why can none of these questions be answered? EVER!?! Why do you lie? Why do you act the way you do? Why do you feel the need to ignore my desperation? My desperation to cling onto the last shred of hope I had in life? I HATE you all so please go away. But don’t leave me alone in here! I can’t stand being alone, it’s a breeding ground for emptiness, and the emptiness is becoming overwhelming. I stand alone in a crowded room. I’m the one you’ll never know was gone. “I don’t care if you don’t care” yet I care so much that you don’t care. You don’t notice me, or want to even try. What did I do to deserve this? Where did I go wrong? “Some days I feel like dying, I get so sick of crying”, day in, day out. A constant cycle of nothingness. I can’t take this anymore! KILL ME! Kill this shell I’m living in. Take it all away from me. You did this; all of you did this to me. I take a step forwards and you push me two steps back, then push me to the floor and stamp on me until I beg you to stop. But you don’t! You continue to slowly rip out my insides and leave me empty. Emptiness? That word again, the brother of loneliness, the father of desperation. Despair. Dementia. Dead. Kill it! Kill all the pain and heartache. Kill the ill-feelings that love creates. Kill love! Make it stop. The strongest emotion can’t be trusted to weak people like you. But you take it and just cast it off without question. You shrug your shoulders and it falls to the floor, crushing the ones you shared it with. STOP! You’re all nothing but fools, marching forward, brain-dead. BULLSHIT! You have no idea what you’re doing so STOP! “Vicious bitter words, becoming more and more cruel” but you never stop talking. I don’t need you voices, I have my own. But you never hear it over your constant babbling. Talk, talk, talk, talk, SHOUT! Go on, shout, tell me how you feel? Actually...don’t tell me! I DON’T CARE! Why should I? Hit me? Please do! I don’t need your shit added to my own. Hate me? Go ahead, don’t let me stop you, who am I to control you? I AM ME! Deal with it. I WON’T change for you or for anyone so pack up your bags and LEAVE! But don’t leave me alone! None of this makes sense. NOTHING adds up. STOP all of this CONFUSION! Spell it out for me? E-m-p-t-i-n-e-s-s! Damn it, it’s HAUNTING! Take it, KILL IT! “I beg to dream and differ from the hollow lies”. I beg to dream. To dream of a world without hollow, empty places. Without shells. I beg you to listen. “I dream of a world where you understand”, all of you! LISTEN! Understand this nonsense. You CAN’T? Then why do you expect me too? “I’m only sure that I’m not sure!” (a half-finished poem I wrote when I came home drunk last week sometime, not very good, but true!) Siting here thinking of you I can't get you out of my head After everything we went through I can't believe you left me too It hurts that I can't have you I want you by my side You're still there as a friend That fact can't be denied But I want you so much more than that I need to have you near I'd give up so much just to be with you I've cried each and every tear Everything's gone! Life is a strange mistress, it confuses me. It probably confuses us all. Who really knows why we are here? Does anybody really care? For some reason I feel nothing, no happiness, not even sadness. I feel....empty...yet I don't. Confusion is also a strange mistress. What will it take to make me feel again? Feel anything? I don't want to be like this, but I don't want to be like you either. You make me sick with your perfections and imperfections and 'feelings'. Why do they all watch me with those eyes? Those deep staring eyes I feel penetrating my skin and wanting to look deeper. Why do they stare? Make it stop! I have nothing you want, I have nothing. NO feelings. Go now, you no longer need to watch. Why do you keep watch though? Do you fear me? Do you fear I'll leave, or do something 'stupid'? Do you want to study me, create a CLONE? There could never be another me. It wouldn't be fair to place another in this situation, to make them feel this way. To make them feel? I wish I could feel again, I want to be someone new. To be different from me...I hate me! Make me go away...I don't know who this is inside me, this foreign being taking over my heart, my soul, my light. I feel nothing I am nothing Nothing is before me And nothing lies behind After you there was nothing Leave me I write my words as lyrics, lyrics come in blocks, ergo my words come in blocks to match the chords I hear in my head. This is life, nothing more, nothing less! Nothing is real, yet nothing is fake. Nothing exists, yet it's all there right in front of you. This is it. I was in your place... Last night from my plane, with a shotgun in my hand I wished that this love wouldn’t leave me for dead In this battle for war... Love leads me blinded by your light, giving me energy
Please Don’t If I ask you a question will, you answer honestly? If I ask you if you love me, what will you say back to me? If I told you I still loved you, would you leave me standing there? Would you tell me that you loved me, or would you stop & stare? I worry that we’re drifting, we’re drifting far apart And I think the way we’re going could cause a broken heart And I worry that you’ll never listen to these words You’ll just act like you don’t hear them, pretend that you don’t care While you walk away and leave me, just leave me standing there If you left me just standing there, I don’t know what I’d do If you left me all alone, I know I’d cry for love of you If you walked away and left me, I’m sure deep down inside You’d be sorry that you hurt me, you’d be sorry that I cried I worry that I’ll lose you some day not far from now And I know that if I lost you, I’d fall apart right now I still worry that you’ll never listen to these words You still act like you don’t hear them, pretend that you don’t care Please don’t walk away and leave me, just leave me standing here?
January/September Mourning You know in your heart That you’ll take time to heal Everything’s so far apart Nothing stops the sadness you feel By yourself you pray That you can change the past Relive those summer days And make those moments last You’re by yourself, all alone With tears in your eyes Surrounded by darkness and fears (Hello? Are you there? Can you hear me calling out? Please don’t go Just stay here I need you)
I no longer understand what's going on. I no longer realise who I am or what I'm doing. I no longer write these words for pleasure...or for any other reason. I no longer feel. I write this sequence to show that I can and that I'm capable and that my shell is still here. That's all that's left, the shell. It started to fill with emotion after a while but it's gone now. The emptiness is calling me again, my chest heaves and I run away from it all. Only I find I can't run from what's inside me. Pull me out, hand me a ladder? A rope? Anything? To free me from these ties that hold me back, to make me feel again. And then you realise it's not just you losing grip. The world around you is falling, the people who relied on to be there are slowly disappearing. COME BACK! All is forgiven, I know it hurts but it doesn't change a thing. Life goes on and I want you to be there to see it. You've got so much. Your voice is the voice of a good person, a true person who, despite making mistakes can still go on to greatness. To live, to love, to be one of us again. To join the party, (if only occasionaly). There's only one thing I hate more than myself...losing my friends.
Why can't you just let me be me? Why must you try forcing me into a shape that I'm not? I may not be happy being me but I don't know how to be anyone else, nor do I want to be anyone else! Have you ever been in a crowded place and still felt alone? I walked through you today. I walked through the centre of your hustle and bustle and I know that not one of you noticed me. Not one of you saw me. I could've died today and you wouldn't have noticed, you'd have kept right on walking. I saw you all walking, whether by yourself or with another and I wondered if you knew the feeling. I wondered if you could feel it eating away at your insides too, or if it was just me? The dreaded word is creeping up on me again, will I ever escape it? Or will it follow me around until it consumes me? Can it consume me? I think it's more likely to pull me inside out before making me disappear completely. All it will have from consuming me is a lack of nourishment and surely it needs to feed? Don't let it take me. Walk with me, lead me into the crowd and let me know what it's like to be one of you. One on the inside. I saw you yesterday, and it felt like the good times were, but you're still not here for me when I need you the most, but that's not important anymore...sure it hurts...it always will...but I enjoy the things that friends do & say, that's the one thing I couldn't live without....and hugs! We've never met, yet you know me so well...how do you do it? We've never spoken, yet I hear your voice...how do you do it? We've never seen each other, yet I'd recognise you in a crowd...how do you do it? How do you pull someone into you like that? How do you know who I am when I'm not even sure of it myself? I fear you sometimes, I fear you know too much...but what harm can it do, telling strangers how I feel? Surely they can't hurt me....can you?
Hard Life Angst ridden outsiders Fear Lights out
Heart, mind, body & soul aching for a feeling, I know you feel it, you tell me everyday. I want to see you again but fear this is wrong. Is this an escape? No, it can't be, these feelings are growing too strong. But is it wrong to care for all of you? Both of you? I'll never stop loving him, even though he made me feel all the worst feelings, & now someone else tells me those 3 small words & I begin to feel again. The numbness subsides but all it brings is worry & a new pain. Don't get me wrong, I do love him, but friends will always be friends & history will always be remembered! Give me time. My friends don't understand. None of you do. I'm sorry for what I've done & what I'm about to do. I search for forgiveness in the eyes, hearts and souls of all of you...but I'll never find it! No-one can ever truly forgive. Grudges are too easy to hold, even when you're losing grip. I grasp my hand around my own neck...but I don't know why. Something's very wrong...I feel like a yoyo...up & down...down & up! STOP IT!!! Please? Please can you stop it now? I don't like this journey of life. it's too hard. My physical wounds are getting deeper & my emotional scars won't heal. Wipe away the blood and bandage me up, tell me it'll all be fine! But it won't you know, when the blood soaks through the bandages you'll realise I'm right. You can't just keep covering it up...it has to be fixed. Fix me. Mend me. Then bandage me up, cover me up, protect me from the world. I despise this feeling of guilt. I didn't do anything wrong. I know that deep down but I still blamed myself...I always will...it's easier than having to come to terms with the truth. That a friend can hurt you. That a heart can be broken. But it can be mended, right? Right!?! Tell me, give me the answer. Am I feeling this? Did it all go too fast? Or is this how these things work now? 
I've Never Been If I die before I wake, Here’s advice that you must take:- Don’t be sad & please don’t cry I’ll be much happier now I’ve died. I’ve long wanted to be this way To leave this life...just float away. Remember me for being me not what you wanted me to be, I could never have been a different person This I know for sure...for certain! I lived this life the best I could The purpose of this life’s for living! Not giving...giving...giving...giving!!! I’m not like you...I’ve never been! If only you could've seen how happy I am being me Not what you wanted me to be.
I left this life all cracked and broken. If only I could've spoken The way I felt to just one other Then maybe there wouldn't be another
“Tragic loss a girl has died Without her angel by her side”. My angel left me all alone When my heart grew solid as a stone. Remember me for being me not what you wanted me to be, I could never have been a different person This I know for sure...for certain! I lived this life the best I could The purpose of this life's for living! Not giving...giving...giving...giving!!! I’m not like you...I’ve never been! If only you could’ve seen how happy I am being me Not what you wanted me to be.
I blocked all out...I didn’t care! With you my life I couldn’t share. With all the upsets, pain & heartache No wonder that life made my soul break!
Remember good, remember bad And please remember all we had!?! I promise this I’ll miss you all But never again I’ll write...or call!
Remember me for being me not what you wanted me to be, I could never have been a different person This I know for sure...for certain! I lived this life the best I could The purpose of this life’s for living! Not giving...giving...giving...giving!!! I’m not like you...I’ve never been! If only you could’ve seen how happy I am being me Not what you wanted me to be.
TELL ME IT'S NOT TRUE!!! Tell me you don't see me as some conceited bitch...because for almost 3months now I can't get these thoughts out of my head! Tell me you don't think I'm an attention seeking little child...because that's how you described myself to me on that day! For god's sake...am I that bad a person? & why do I still cry...I don't cry because I love you...I don't cry because you don't love me...these days I cry because you don't love yourself...& before you say anything I know that's very hypocritical of me...but that's not the point this time! This time it's all about you. Would it kill you to talk to me? Would I kill you if you didn't? I know you're not intending to but I'm telling you now you can't die...you're one of the only friends I have who can hold an intelligent conversation! Although...if you don't want to talk to me again...I'm sure I can find some kind of drug to depend on instead, something that makes me think the way you make me think!
Why is it I have all these feelings towards the people who don't care anymore...why must I read so much into everything...why must I be so insecure when it comes to my friendships? Why must I still trust you & want to just hold the occasional conversation when it's obvious you've forgotten me. You didn't love me? Or am I being paranoid? Maybe I should try that thing you do so well. (the text that was here will never be read by anyone but me...read on to discover the truth!) Except I seem to be already doing that to some extent...how about I go one step further than you & just 'name and shame' everyone I talk about here. This is just an extention of my diary, my diary knows all of you by name...why shouldn't everyone else? Let today be the day. Let it be told that as of now, January 16th 2005 20:21, I shall no longer care about who I upset or piss off. No more do I care about or love any of you...today I am a bitch, THE bitch....today you will all realise just how much you really do hate me...or do you? Do I even have the guts to leave this entry here or will this paragraph just become something you'll never really "get" because there will be nothing before it...indeed it will...because even as I type this I have already deleted the offensive material...the 3/4 lines that described you so well...the 3/4 lines that show the true colours....that show how I really do feel...I'm not spineless...I just need my friends...and in just 3/4 lines I would've lost several of the best friends I've ever had. They'll never know! Invisible you are not! So why say you are? Why lead us all astray with your misleadings? *sigh* I guess I'll never tell you the end of the story...but then again...you probably don't want to hear it!
So here we are again, trapped in this never ending cycle of life...my feelings are all upbeat & it's the weirdest set of emotions I've had to deal with for a long time...why does love do this to us? I can't think straight or concentrate on anything but him...I don't mind feeling like this, but it's surreal!
Maybe looking back isn't what i should've done, perhaps I should've looked forward...but maybe & perhaps won't get me anywhere...as I aimlessly read through 'Evacuation' I found "Broken items/equipment/hearts will be paid for" & now I'm thinking that perhaps I've made people pay for breaking my heart by being the most horrible & vindictive person just to hurt them...but do they really understand what they've done? Do they really know how much damage control had to be done because of their actions? Or is this just the chill of the Sunderland morning air getting inside my head? We'll soon see!! How much damage can one heart take, what if it happens again...will I crumble under the ruins? Or will I smash my way out & walk away without looking back & move on? I'd love it to be the latter but unfortunately I know I'll crumble, rot & die under the various shards & pieces that fall out of my empty cavernous chest. Please don't hurt me, please don't break my heart!?!
And the cycle starts again, I find myself in love with someone..but I'm not sure it's love...there's something...but I don't think it's love. So is it wrong to be in a relationship like this? Am I being cruel? Or is this just life? |
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Depressed and dying, alone and crying! Sorry I've been AWOL but my heart is now ripped to shreds by a man I thought was incapable of doing such things, my life has been a downward spiral of drink since then & I'm not sure I can take much more! I just want to curl up somewhere, sleep & never wake up! I feel like a shell of my former self & I have no idea of what I'm doing or why, he may feel remorse for what he's done but he'll never truly understand how I feel. I wish he could but then that would mean he'd have to feel this pain that I'm contending with right now & I would NEVER wish this on anybody, not even my worst enemy! Yes...I love him & yes...I always will but those are NOT the points I'm making!